Strike a Pose!
I took a deep breath and stepped into the spotlight, swishing my gleaming hair like a shampoo advert, click click click went the camera, I pouted, smiled, and swished, “that’s it girl beryouderful, oh yes give me more” said the photographer. I obliged parading in front of the camera ensuring the photographer got my best side. ‘You are fabulous darling”, one last click of the camera and then . . . .
I woke up.
The reality of our family photo shoot was slightly different to the dream.
I’ll start from the beginning.
We were booked in for a photo shoot to get some professional photos of us, looking like a normal family, “but you are a normal family” I hear you cry (and if you did not – shame on you!). The numerous off-centre, out of focus, gozzy family photos we have of us since the Bear was born tell a very different story however.
So this, this was our chance to shine!
It was a proper full on thing, involving full professional hair and makeup, photo shoot and hard sales technique, while locked in a dark room. The full shebang.
In the run up to ‘the shoot’ we were advised to bring a variety of formal and casual outfits as well as a range of jewellery and shoe options. Those who have read my blog post ‘Sofa(r) so good’ will know I have many shoes and therefore this bit did not cause me any problems.
I was very excited pre-shoot and I spent the afternoon showering, fake tanning, nail painting and meticulously blow drying my hair so that I could look my best for my big moment.
When we arrived at the photographic studio it was all very impressive. I did wonder whether the choice of music that was blaring through the sound system, was entirely appropriate for a family shoot though. Cee-lo Green’s ‘forget you’ seemed to be playing on a loop very loudly, which would be fine except it was the naughty version. I didn’t know that he had recorded another version and I am very disappointed with Mr Green!
I hopped into the make-up chair, and closed my eyes, “make me beautiful” I thought. As Mr makeup man got to work on my already flawless complexion, I wasn’t sure what more he could do to further enhance my clear, fresh faced look, but I humoured him as he creamed, powdered, creamed some more, powdered, lined, shadowed, shadowed some more, shadowed a little more, lined a bit more, mascara’d and blushed me. “Ok fabulous darling make up is done” he drawled. Excitedly I opened my eyes, it took a couple of attempts as it was quite difficult with the weight of all the eye shadow.
I blinked again to check my heavily made up eyes were not deceiving me.
Was that person blinking back at me in the mirror, really me?
Because what I saw was a cross between a drag queen and one of those Vampire strippers from a Tarantino film. Clearly when we had the conversation about the look I wanted, his idea of a natural, wholesome look with nude lips differed from mine.
I attempted to leave the chair only for chirpy makeup chap to shake his head, and rub his chin saying
“now then what are we going do with that hair”
what?, the hair I spent all afternoon coiffing to its current state of coifftness, this hair?
I stuttered, erm,
“well I mean what do you usually do with it” he continued, “you know, how do you usually wear it”
“pretty much as it is” I stuttered as I blushed profusely (which luckily he couldn’t see through the many layers of foundation caked onto my skin).
‘Oh’ he said surprised, but quickly gathering his composure told me that he would damp it down and juje it up a bit. I wanted to tell him I didn’t need jujing but instead I resigned myself to my fate, knowing that there was no way out. I sighed to myself as he back combed me to within an inch of my life for ‘a little height, you know to really make the style pop’. I sighed a little more while attempting not to breathe in all of the toxic fumes from the 7 cans of hairspray, he sprayed all around me, but not quite on my head. ‘Just to make sure it stayed looking its best’, luckily there were no open fires around, or I would have gone up like it was bonfire night, which I thought would fit in quite nicely with the slutty vampire theme I had going on.
When I was finally powdered and jujed to Mr make-up mans satisfaction, I was presented to my family. . . . . . . the Bears bottom lip began to quiver and he turned on his heel and quickly trotted over to the safety of his daddy’s arms, who fortunately still looked like daddy. Hmmm the fact that I had scared my own child didn’t do a whole lot for my confidence pre shoot but as a professional I knew that the show had to go on.
The shoot went surprisingly well though. The Bear was on fine form and we purchased some great photos before they finally unlocked the door and let us leave the building.
I think I will start looking for some Melbourne modelling agencies to represent me, the vampire drag queen look is like, so hot right now.