My heart is still racing and I can still taste the bile that rose in my mouth . Even now some half an hour or more afterwards my palms are sweating. Only now is the icy cold fear that started down in the depths of my stomach and pushed onwards and upwards with each second that passed until it had its icy freezing grip around my heart, beginning to recede.
I love you with everything that I am and everything I will ever be and the thought of anything happening to you feels me with such dread that my head simply will not allow me to go any further and process the implications of what losing you would mean. It simply won’t take me past the point of turning around and you not being there.
This afternoon we were in the National Gallery Kids Zone where you were running round giggling away with every step that you took in your little crazy way. A lady and I got chatting and I excused myself mid conversation saying I would be back but I just had to make sure that you my lovely little Bear were ok, I will be back in a minute I said not even thinking anything about it. I would go into the little childrens ships cabin, check you were there and ok and come back.
Only you weren’t, you were nowhere to be seen. So curious are you about everything around you, (a quality that I love and don’t ever want to take away from you ) that the Kids Zone simply wouldn’t do, you had to check out the rest of the museum too.
They found you on the 1st floor wandering around quite happily, not a care in the world. Completely oblivious to the chaos in the floor below and the fact that I thought my heart was going to burst with anguish until we found you. How on earth you got there I will never know, I didn’t even know how to get to the first floor.
I wish that I had been in a more coherent state to say a million and more thank yous to the lovely lady who found you and to the lovely museum staff who put their staff on alert to look for you.
I shudder when I think what could have happened.
I try everyday to strike the right balance between letting you explore and keeping you safe and I am so very sorry that I didn’t do my job properly today.
Right now I feel like a terrible terrible and very guilty mother, but please know this, no-one could love you as I do, you are my whole life, and you are never leaving my sight again.
My beautiful Bear, my number 1 son.
I love you.