Blogging from Down Under

Dear Bear

Dear Bear,
My heart is still racing and I can still taste the bile that rose in my mouth . Even now some half an hour or more afterwards my palms are sweating. Only now is the icy cold fear that started down in the depths of my stomach and pushed onwards and upwards with each second that passed until it had its icy freezing grip around my heart, beginning to recede.

I love you with everything that I am and everything I will ever be and the thought of anything happening to you feels me with such dread that my head simply will not allow me to go any further and process the implications of what losing you would mean. It simply won’t take me past the point of turning around and you not being there.
This afternoon we were in the National Gallery Kids Zone where you were running round giggling away with every step that you took in your little crazy way. A lady and I got chatting and I excused myself mid conversation saying I would be back but I just had to make sure that you my lovely little Bear were ok, I will be back in a minute I said not even thinking anything about it. I would go into the little childrens ships cabin, check you were there and ok and come back.
Only you weren’t, you were nowhere to be seen. So curious are you about everything around you, (a quality that I love and don’t ever want to take away from you ) that the Kids Zone simply wouldn’t do, you had to check out the rest of the museum too.
They found you on the 1st floor wandering around quite happily, not a care in the world. Completely oblivious to the chaos in the floor below and the fact that I thought my heart was going to burst with anguish until we found you. How on earth you got there I will never know, I didn’t even know how to get to the first floor.
I wish that I had been in a more coherent state to say a million and more thank yous to the lovely lady who found you and to the lovely museum staff who put their staff on alert to look for you.
I shudder when I think what could have happened.
I try everyday to strike the right balance between letting you explore and keeping you safe and I am so very sorry that I didn’t do my job properly today.
Right now I feel like a terrible terrible and very guilty mother, but please know this, no-one could love you as I do, you are my whole life, and you are never leaving my sight again.
My beautiful Bear, my number 1 son.
I love you.
Mummy Bear


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17 thoughts on “Dear Bear

  1. Oh honey!

    I lost owen countless times and now can’t get rid of him….

    Try not to lose my godson again!


  2. Sheree on said:

    Oh Rhian – sending you a big hug. All mummy’s can relate to this and most of us have had that moment of fear and panic at some point. Getting that balance right is also my biggest challenge and I fear it always will be. Don’t feel guilty or bad – you are not alone. Hug that bear tight tonight and go easy on yourself xxx

  3. My heart is in my throat and there are tears in my eyes. I know that sense of dread, that panic, I’ve felt it once, and that was one time too many. I hope I never feel it again. We were in KMart and he went running off. I thought I’d catch up but by the time I got to the end of the aisle he’d dashed down another one. I got to the front of the store and looked out into the busy shopping center and my heart about fell out my bum! He was chatting up some woman in the makeup aisle but my god, the thought that he could have got out of the shopping center, that someone could have taken him…your mind goes to all kinds of crazy places that a mum’s mind should never have to go. Try not to beat yourself up too hard, kids are darn quick! Have a drink tonight, you probably need it! x

  4. It is so awful isn’t it, I did exactly the same, ran outside to check he hadn’t run out there, then running back in again like a headless chicken. I just didn’t know what to do, my mind wasn’t working properly and I was just running round in circles, I was running back inside again when there he was happily holding hands with the museum lady. I was so thankful but so scared, he is just so trusting – I can’t bear to think if someone else had seen him instead. After that everything is a complete blank, the lady who found him had gone before I even registered she was there, I was so busy cuddling him. He was a bit bewildered by all the kisses. It is so hard not to blame ourselves though, after all he was in my care at the time. šŸ˜¦

    • It is awful, and on the one hand you want to pretend it never happened, but on the other you want to remember it so you don’t do it again. And it is so very hard not to think about the “what if” scenarios that do our heads in. For a long time I was so paranoid that when my hubby took our son to Sea World or anywhere that he’d lose him or something would happen. It’s not a good way to live!

  5. It’s not I agree. I think paranoia is par for the course when you become a parent though.

  6. This has happened to me too and I can fully sympathise. I lost my then three year old son in a shop and I truly thought I had lost him. It turns out that he is a lot better at hide and seek than I ever knew. It is tough this parenting thing!

    Popped over from Love all Blogs

  7. It is so hard isn’t it. He didn’t know what all the fuss was about when they brought him back either. Feel sick when I think about it. Someone needs to tell our kids the rules to hide and seek i.e to tell us you are playing!!
    Thanks for visiting.

  8. Oh my, every parent’s worst fear realised. I think it really can happen to any of us, no matter how conscientious we are. All’s well that ends well, so don’t beat yourself up about it. Sounds like you have an intrepid explorer on your hands!

  9. Thank you it is hard not to blame yourself though. I am just thankful that they found him so quickly, although it did feel like hours at the time. I think I just need to grow some eyes in the back of my head and it will be fine!
    Thanks for popping over.

  10. Pingback: Dear Bear | Love All Blogs

  11. Mammasaurus on said:

    Oh my, those moments are terrifying. I once lost one of mine at home. I searched everywhere for a good 10 minutes (which seemed like 5 hours) and by the time I found him (hiding in a kitchen cupboard) I had tears and snot streaming down my face.
    I try and let mine have as much freedom as I can when we are out as I find there something very limiting of holding a childs hand wherever they are, it’s easy for them to wander off though -another of the tests of parenthood I suspect!

  12. I am pretty sure I didn’t look my best either when they finally found him! I know what you mean about the hand holding, but he always squirms away anyway even if I tried. I am contemplating reins (but then I think he is not a dog).

  13. My friend lost her son and we were all out searching like crazed robots, we eventually found him, he’d fallen asleep in the living room but under a big pile of cushions where we couldn’t see him! Any parent can relate to this. It’s the worst nightmare.

  14. Truly terrifying – even if it turns out they haven’t gone that far away.
    Thanks for popping over.

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