Yoga – A guide to faking your inner zen.
The other day I had a bit of time to myself after my gym class and I happened upon a yoga class that was just about to start. I dived in and in a tumble of loud sentences, announced my presence, asked if it was ok if I joined, asked if the class had started and was it alright that I didn’t have a mat.
All valid questions I think. Unfortunately I didn’t realise that yes, the class had already started and that there were a room full of women lying on the floor rudely roused from their meditative state by my loud entrance and were now looking on disapprovingly. Clearly they hadn’t found their inner peace at this point. Although quite how I missed (and didn’t trip over) 20 women lying on the floor I don’t know.
I don’t quite know what I was expecting from this yoga class to be honest, maybe to come out relaxed and in tune with my inner Goddess perhaps. I suspect my well hidden inner Goddess was still at home watching ‘The Morning Show’ with a cup of tea and forgot to come with me this particular morning. Rushing in there in my sweaty gym kit having just been pumping weights while humming along to ‘the eye of the tiger’; with hindsight, possibly does not put one in the correct frame of mind for a yoga class but you live and learn.
The only other experience I have had of yoga was when I did it with the Bear when he was 6 months old. To be honest though there wasn’t much actual yoga involved it was more sitting in the corner in the dark breastfeeding or attempting to stop the Bear from mounting the yoga demonstration dolly.
I don’t think I really fitted in either and I am not at all sure that it will be something that I will be pursuing. Instead of feeling relaxed and in tune with myself at the end I just felt cold, (combination of sweaty gym kit and air conditioning did nothing to help this state of affairs).
The teacher glided up to me afterwards while I was putting my sweaty socks back on. She placed her hand on my shoulder and in slow languid tones asked how I now felt.
“Fine thanks” I trilled loudly at her.
She looked a little taken aback and promptly dropped her hand from my shoulder and backed away. I am not entirely sure what she was expecting from me, maybe the done thing is to say something along the lines of feeling enlightened/energised/calm/relaxed. Then again maybe she was backing away because she got a whiff of my sweaty gym attire and who’d blame her really.
So as you see I have limited experience of yoga. However, I did pick up a few pointers in the one class I have attended which I feel places me in a perfect position to give you a few handy hints and tips on how to fake it to make it as a yogi.
Just follow these foolproof, not in the least bit researched and unthoroughly thought out pointers and you’ll be finding your inner zen in no time.
Number 1. ALWAYS wear tie dye loose trousers and if you possibly can, although this is not compulsory, one of those headband handkerchief things that cover all of your hair.
Number 2. ALWAYS talk in slow, measured tones, preferably so quietly that no one can actually hear what you are saying. In fact the quieter that you speak, the more in touch with your inner calm you will appear to be. In my extensive experience, this is key to making it in the cut throat world of yoga.
Number 3. When you are sitting down ALWAYS cross your legs and rest your hands gently upon your knees, and ALWAYS close your eyes. Making little rabbits with your hands is optional here. Again, if you can, do it. This might be a bit disconcerting if you are in a social setting such as a dinner party; the eye closing will be a bit weird and the rabbit hands will make it hard to eat, I’ll be honest, but if you are harnessing your inner strength who needs food (and friends) anyway.
Number 4. Whenever you meet anyone ALWAYS place your palms together and bow. NEVER shake hands, do not release your energy through the other person, this is bad karma – or something.
Number 5. NEVER wear your sweaty gym kit to a yoga class. For some reason the stink is frowned upon. It also makes you look like an amateur, I refer to Number 1.
Number 6. NEVER get your roots done – you have no need for such material things as freshly coloured hair. (See Number 1). This lack of concern for your appearance clearly indicates that your time is taken up by more meaningful pastimes such as yogalising (yes I made that up – what of it!).
Number 7. NEVER look anyone directly in the eye, your inner peace means you should either have your eyes closed at all times (see number 3) or staring out into the middle distance complementing yourself on just how much inner peace you are rocking.
Number 8. NEVER smile and for goodness sake NEVER laugh. Yoga is a serious business people.
A few additional things to note ‘child pose’ does not involve lying on the floor screaming and shouting as if in toddler tantrum mode. (I wish she’d explained that before).
Downward facing dog – does not involve barking
Well would you believe it, I only got to the final round of the Mad Blog Awards 2013.
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