Stop the train, I want to get off!
Have you ever had that feeling that suddenly things are starting to move too fast? As though you blinked and everything changed around you without your knowledge or permission and you find yourself in an unfamiliar and unwelcome place trying to make sense of it all and figure out how you are going to make it work.
I feel like that today. I know this will sound, well, weird really but I feel as though we got back from Fiji and then everything started happening all at once, like somehow Fiji was the catalyst for change.
It started with us accepting a place at Kindergarten for the Bear ready for when he turns 3 next year. That was hard enough to do having had his lovely little company day in, day out for the last 2 years, 4 months. I didn’t know if I was ready for him to go just yet, but I consoled myself with the knowledge that I had a good 8 months to get used to the idea. I had reconciled myself to that, it is only 3 afternoons a week after all and it will do him good to mix with other children and meet some new little buddies.
But then we got back from our holiday and it all kicked off.
First was a letter from the childcare centre that I had put him on the wait list for back in August last year, so long ago now that I’d all but forgotten about it. It was a letter checking we still wanted to be on the wait list as they may have some opportunities opening up at some point soon. It was a bit of a shock as I’d pretty much shelved the idea of putting him into childcare at all as I couldn’t find a place for him for love nor money. It was ok though it was only checking we were still interested that was all, I still had time to think about it and get my head around the idea again.
Then came the phone call, a most unexpected phone call as I was travelling in the car. I answered the unknown number (hands free – chill out people), when who should be on the other end but our first choice childcare centre that we had been desperate to get the Bear into that we had been on the wait list for, for what seems like since the day he was conceived. Not only where they checking we still wanted a place but they were actually offering him a place to start almost immediately. Not only that but they needed an answer within 24 hours – sheesh.
Hence my feelings of being bowled over with everything coming at me at once.
I know this is a good thing (though I haven’t accepted the place yet) I know it will be good for him, I know it will develop him, I know all that, I do. Every time I think about it though, I just want to cry (and I may or may not have done so repeatedly today). It’s not that I don’t want him to go, of course I do, but at the same time I want him at home with me cuddling up on the sofa watching an array of Peppa Pigs or watching him scoot around the park on his balance bike with his little helmet on.
It just seems that he is growing up so quickly. I know I have been very lucky to have been able to stay at home with him for so long, I know that and I am very grateful for that but time seems to be shooting past in the blink of an eye and I just want it to stop so I can take a minute to bask in these beautiful times of joy and innocence. I’m astounded by my little baby Bear everyday, the things he picks up (metaphorically) and remembers and then comes out with later in the day, the new words he learns, the little songs he sings, his adorable little giggle, his perfect little handsome face. . . .
I guess I am feeling philosophical (and tearful) and if I am perfectly honest I don’t know if I am ready for my little Bear to be away from me 2 days a week . . . but then it’s not about me is it? Or is it?
I know we as parents are always second guessing ourselves, are we doing the right thing? What is best for my child? Am I doing that now? Is it selfish to want him to stay with me? Is it selfish to put him in childcare when I am not working? What exactly is right for us and our little family?
It also doesn’t help when the clock is ticking on such an important decision. Perhaps I am being ridiculous, it’s not such a big deal is it?
I feel really overwhelmed .
I should go, I only have 19 more hours to make a decision.
Did any of that stream of consciousness make sense? Can anyone else relate? Any advice? Please tell me if I am being ridiculously dramatic. (I can be prone to a spot of drama from time to time).
By the way, normal Fiji programming will resume forthwith, I still have loads to show you. Thanks for continuing to read when it probably made no sense at all.