I just miss you.
I sat on the bench overlooking the lake alone on this beautiful unseasonably warm mid-winters day and I let the tears fall.
They came from nowhere, out of the blue, completely unbidden, even more unexpected.
My iPod was on shuffle. I was happily power walking along to the bouncy beat of the Black Eyed Peas one minute and the next, my walk abandoned, I found myself on a bench crying huge body shaking sobs.
One of the *songs that I’d listened to over and over around that particular time had popped up on my iPod after the Black Eyed Peas. Maybe it was that song that triggered it, who knows, I’ve heard it many times since then and it didn’t have that effect but today, perhaps today was different.
At first I tried to hold them in, what would these people walking past think of this crazy woman on a bench bawling her eyes out, but the more I tried to suppress them the more they came. The more they filled me to overflowing until there was nowhere for them to go but gush out of me.
So I let them fall, I surrendered myself to it and I cried and cried.
I don’t know where it came from, it is no special anniversary today. He went peacefully in his sleep 7 years and 2 months ago, yet today it felt as raw and present as if it happened yesterday. I can still clearly remember that sick feeling when I was told he was gone, knowing what was going to be said before it was spoken yet finding myself asking the question anyway. There was no answer, the silence said it all.
I allowed my tears to fall freely
and I remembered him.
I remembered his life, the amount of people that he touched, all the things he did for me all the things he gave me.
I found myself grieving for all the things he has missed, my wedding, the birth of his first grandchild, the birth of his second, my move to the other side of the world which would have made him so so proud. Despite him probably getting his country’s mixed up and telling everyone I had moved to Austria instead of Australia which is not quite as impressive! We took the mickey out of him for such a long time for telling a long lost friend how proud he was of me for getting 1 A- Level when I got my Degree. It didn’t matter that he had got it wrong because whether I had 1 or 21 he still would have shouted it for all to hear.
I know exactly how he would have been with the Bear too, taking him out for a sneaky Maccas and whispers of “don’t tell your mum”.
You were the best dad anyone could ever ask for.
I miss you.
I love you.
You were and you always will be ‘Great as owt’
*Glory – Hillsong