theonlywayismelbourne

Blogging from Down Under

I just miss you.

I sat on the bench overlooking the lake alone on this beautiful unseasonably warm mid-winters day and I let the tears fall.

They came from nowhere, out of the blue, completely unbidden, even more unexpected.

My iPod was on shuffle. I was happily power walking along to the bouncy beat of the Black Eyed Peas one minute and the next, my walk abandoned, I found myself on a bench crying huge body shaking sobs.

One of the *songs that I’d listened to over and over around that particular time had popped up on my iPod after the Black Eyed Peas. Maybe it was that song that triggered it, who knows, I’ve heard it many times since then and it didn’t have that effect but today, perhaps today was different.

At first I tried to hold them in, what would these people walking past think of this crazy woman on a bench bawling her eyes out, but the more I tried to suppress them the more they came. The more they filled me to overflowing until there was nowhere for them to go but gush out of me.

So I let them fall, I surrendered myself to it and I cried and cried.

I don’t know where it came from, it is no special anniversary today. He went peacefully in his sleep 7 years and 2 months ago, yet today it felt as raw and present as if it happened yesterday. I can still clearly remember that sick feeling when I was told he was gone, knowing what was going to be said before it was spoken yet finding myself asking the question anyway. There was no answer, the silence said it all.

I allowed my tears to fall freely
and I remembered him.

My dad.

I remembered his life, the amount of people that he touched, all the things he did for me all the things he gave me.

I found myself grieving for all the things he has missed, my wedding, the birth of his first grandchild, the birth of his second, my move to the other side of the world which would have made him so so proud. Despite him probably getting his country’s mixed up and telling everyone I had moved to Austria instead of Australia which is not quite as impressive! We took the mickey out of him for such a long time for telling a long lost friend how proud he was of me for getting 1 A- Level when I got my Degree. It didn’t matter that he had got it wrong because whether I had 1 or 21 he still would have shouted it for all to hear.

I know exactly how he would have been with the Bear too, taking him out for a sneaky Maccas and whispers of “don’t tell your mum”.
You were the best dad anyone could ever ask for.

I miss you.

I love you.

You were and you always will be ‘Great as owt’

X

*Glory – Hillsong

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30 thoughts on “I just miss you.

  1. Oh Rhi, you’ve got me shedding a tear too. What a beautiful post, your dad thinks so too. Big hugs xxx

  2. Anna on said:

    Hey Rhe,
    I feel your pain sweetie. Time does heal but it can never take the pain away completely. Don’t ever stop the tears from falling as its your heart and minds way of coping. Believe me I know! Although its nearly 20 years since I lost my mum, it feels like only yesterday. I can recall and relive the day minute by minute and even second by second. Every word, smell, thought, sound. I think about her everyday and it feels like she is right here with me.

    Never suppress the memories in fear of the emotions they might stir and never stop talking, joking and laughing about the silly things he used to get up to.

    The hardest times are the big life events that you would give anything for to have him there. And although not physically there, take comfort in the fact that he is there watching down on you and always will be.

    Hope you are ok. Sending lots of love and hugs.

    Anna xxxx

  3. Aline on said:

    This makes me cry too! I send you a big hug. It is hard having to miss auch an important and loved person in your life. I read yeaterday: “One day I will climb up to the sky and bring you back”. I wish we could do that! Love from London.
    P.S. We miss you!

  4. Thanks Aline, I wish we could bring them back too.
    We miss you too. I really hope that we can get to see each other when we are in the Uk in September. Xxx

  5. Lovely post. Your dad must’ve been a very special man.

  6. Your dad sounds like he was a wonderful person and you have such fond memories of him. Thanks for being brave enough to share your story.
    Big hug xxx

  7. I love surrendering myself to a good cry. Music is such a powerful trigger. Perhaps it was a combo of the music, the smells, a feeling. You honour him by remembering him.

    • Yes perhaps it was, and the fact that I just had time to think for a change I think and once it came I couldn’t stop. Thank you so much for stopping by and reading Danya. X

  8. Sending you big hugs. Sometimes the best thing to do is surrender to the tears and let them flow.

  9. Ahh gosh. Some days it can just hit you out of nowhere. Something triggers your memory without you even knowing it. A good cry is great medicine though. Thank you for sharing. A lovely read.

  10. I’m sorry for your loss. I could have written it about my Dad too.

  11. This is a lovely post. Your dad was up there with the best of them. Hold onto your memories. X

  12. So heartbreaking to read about your Dad passing, but he would be very proud, and I am sure he is looking out for you and your family xxx

  13. What a lovely post, thinking of you Rhi, I dare not even think about this happening to me. Sounds like he was a fantastic dad! My dad sometimes says “don’t tell mum” when he sneaks out for a cheeky burger x

  14. becc03 on said:

    That made me tear up! We recently had a very big scare with my Dad and I tell you I so understand your pain. I cant bear to even think about it.

  15. I’m so sorry you lost your Dad, he sounds a really brilliant and loving dad and this is a really lovely tribute to him. Xx

  16. I remember the day, love you x

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