Blogging from Down Under

The perils of being a woman – Peril 3 Fake tan

Lets face it, there are so many variables with fake tan aren’t there. Us ladies for some reason seem to be unable to attend any event or in fact go anywhere that involves getting our legs out without first having some form of colour to disguise the fact that we have translucent veiny alien like skin.
Now don’t get me wrong, I know that there are some very brave and confident ladies who don’t give a fig about such stupidness and are more than happy to bare their white bits for the world to see.
To you ladies, I salute you.

I, however, am not of those brave band of woman who choose not to follow the crowd, who choose to step away from the mainstream norm. I am absolutely what is known as a sheep. I’ll be perfectly honest here, I like to be the same as everyone else, I don’t like to stand out, I like to blend in and be in the cool gang. Well I like to try anyway.

Which is why I chose to have a professional spray tan done for the MAD blog awards that I am attending tomorrow ahhhh!
Being pregnant, I wanted something to make me feel a little slimmer than the rather rotund figure that I am becoming. I wanted to feel good and confident about myself which is why I thought I would leave it to the professionals to tan me up for such an important event.

Now I am no stranger to the fake tan, I’ve been known to DIY dabble with varying degrees of success over the years. I think over time I have sort of perfected what works for me . . . .
Which is why my decision to have a professional spray tan having never had one before ever. . . .
At a place I have never been to before ever. . . .
For such an important event as the MAD Blog Awards
– all the more perplexing doesn’t it?

Let me fill you in on my learning points from my first (and possibly last) spray tan experience.

1. Preparation is key
Now I am not just talking exfoliation and moisturisation before hand. No no, that goes without saying, when you book your treatment any salon worth their salt will tell you that.
No I am talking underwear preparation. This is a weird one, you can choose to go sans underwear, however given my current state of gestation I thought it best not to subject sprayer lady to the sight of that. So knickers it was, which brings me back to my preparation point, choose your spray tan knickers very carefully! Clearly when having your skin semi permanently dyed with a brown mist, there are going to be casualties along the way. To any normal human being this is obvious therefore wearing new pristine white knickers is a no no.

I mean it is so obvious, that you wouldn’t even need to be told would you? It is so ridiculously blindingly obvious that no one would be stupid enough to put white knickers on.

Nobody . . . .

We live and learn!

2. Preparation is key
Loose fitting trousers are essential after professional spray tannege. It simply doesn’t do to have tan lines and streaks where your tight fitting skinny jeans have dug into your ample calves and rubbed off the tan. It is not a good look.
Therefore going sightseeing in London with tight fitting skinny jeans is really not acceptable behaviour pre spray tan and no backup spray tan trousers. Everyone needs backup spray tan trousers these are a must to avoid looking like you are wearing a rather dodgy pair of brown striped leggings underneath your lovely cocktail dress!

3. Preparation is key
Getting familiar? – make it your mantra fellow fake tan devotees!
Listen to salon lady when she tells you in no uncertain terms NOT to wear perfume or deodorant of any kind before your treatment. Failure to adhere to this leads to bright green underarms set against a backdrop of orange ‘guide colour’ elsewhere, which I am told may or may not go away pre awards ceremony. (I really really hope it is just the guide colour) which leads me onto . . .

4.Do not make plans for the next 10 hours after spray tan treatment.
At least any that involve going out and seeing anybody. This would be for a number of reasons, one of which being that after a spray tan treatment and for at least 8 hours afterwards the aforementioned ‘guide colour’ means that you are prone to looking like an oompa loompa, now when I say prone to, I mean you actually do look like one, but perhaps one who has been sat in the sun too long while eating too many carrots. Orange doesn’t cover it.


5. Do not make plans for the next 10 hours after spray tan treatment.
This is really quite important if you wish to keep your friendships alive. If you choose to ignore number 4 naively thinking that your friendships are strong enough to survive you looking like you’ve been tangoed then perhaps my next point may persuade you otherwise.
Apparently the wearing of bras is really not the done thing after your treatment for the same reason that the wearing of skinny jeans is prohibited. The tan lines. Which in normal circumstances is fine, you have your tan, you go home you watch tv you go to bed you wash it off in the morning. Job done!
Except of course when you are on a whistle-stop tour of the motherland making many a visit to long lost friends you havent seen for more than 18 months.
Apparently the usual etiquette is to wear underwear when visiting your friends – who knew! Things have certainly changed since I moved Down Under.

So visiting friends without wearing a bra when in your 3rd trimester and having your sizeable pendulous, now orange boobies bobbing about all over the place is really rather embarrassing. I mean we are good friends, but even I realise that this may well be crossing the invisible line!
I think I got away with it though – that is of course unless they read this!

So there you go, I may be orange, pregnant and smelling of biscuits but MAD Blog Awards here I come.

You can read the other perils in the series here.

The perils of being a woman – Peril 1

The perils of being a woman – Peril 2


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10 thoughts on “The perils of being a woman – Peril 3 Fake tan

  1. Bahaha! I look forward to seeing you and your orbs of purest orange tomorrow evening!

  2. Hahaha, I am one of those who do not ‘do’ fake tan. Although, I cake on the bronzer.
    Look forward to meeting you tonight!

  3. You will look fab as always :o) Love you from your Big Sis xx

  4. well judging by the pic i saw of you before the awards, I’d say this is all made up, because you looked smashing!! and umm, 3rd trimester!?!? Already!??!!? Also couldn’t tell THAT in the pic! xo

    • Aww thanks, you are too kind, I definitely think the pic was all about the angle though!
      Believe me, there was no fibbing here, I must have had about 30 showers before I was finally a normal colour. I will post a pic so you can see the horrendousness beforehand!

  5. Hilarious! Being I-talian I have never had to get a spray tan but dont get me started on waxing!!

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