The perils of being a woman – Peril 4 – Eyelashes
So since the birth of our little pink bundle in December I have been just a little bit busy trying to keep on top of things like making sure the Bear is fed and clothed, feeding baby Bear round the clock and trying to dress myself and get out of the house before 4pm every day so, perhaps understandably, there have been a number of things which I have let slide.
I’m not talking about cleaning the house, the fact that I don’t do it goes without saying obviously.
No I’m talking about the personal maintenance girly stuff.
Since the birth my nails are no longer glossy, painted and perfectly shaped. Now they are different sizes where they have broken. The little polish that is left on them starts half way up the nail and is chipped so much it looks like some sort of weird fungal disease.
And my legs? – Well lets just say they keep me warm on a summer’s day.
In addition, it would also appear that 2 slugs had crawled over my face and taken up residence on my forehead.
Now as my mum has been here, I have taken the opportunity to right some of these wrongs and the other day I headed out to have the slugs removed from their comfortable home by a rather ingenious piece of cotton thread.
Procedure complete, eyebrows shaped beautifully and sporting angry red skin in the delicate eye area I decided on a whim to have my lashes dyed. Thinking it would save me putting on mascara everyday (again clearly not what I am doing – I can barely get round to brushing my teeth).
Anyway the beautician was more than happy to accommodate my last-minute request and reclined my chair so I was lying back before gluing my eyes shut with half a tub of Vaseline and getting to work. Dye on I was instructed to keep my eyes closed and not open them under any circumstances. I was told I was to be like that for 15 mins.
With my eyes closed I nodded, “not a prob I’m sure I can do that” and with that assurance off she went to the next person waiting to start their treatment in the seat next to mine.
I should point out that the place I go to for this ritual humiliation is small and consists of 5 treatment chairs and a waiting area in the same room. As I settled into a comfortable eyes closed position I was vaguely aware of customers coming and going as the little bell tinkled as the door opened and shut. I could hear voices, conversations and could sense as people walked past me. The people seemed to be very far away though and the conversations difficult to hear as they faded away just out of reach. Maybe they had all head into the back room?
But then the weirdest thing happened, I heard a pig snort! How weird and inappropriate is that in a beauty salon, an actual pig snorting! There it was again only this time louder,
and then again.
Why would there be a pig in a beauty salon I mused – it was so confusing, and for some reason my mind just couldn’t seem to make sense of it.
And then I woke up!
O to the M to the G.
I had fallen asleep!
I had actually fallen asleep, right there in the chair in the middle of the one room salon. In fact I was sleeping so soundly and had been snoring so loudly that I had woken myself up with a little squeal and a rather dramatic jolt.
I tried to open my eyes and sit up, only to be thwarted by the double whammy of the glue like vaseline suckering my eyes closed and the stupid recliner chair dragging me back into its embrace as I blindly attempted to find the arm rests to pull myself up because I had also managed to slide halfway down the chair during the course of my slumber.
As if that wasn’t bad enough.
I was also dribbling out of the corner of my mouth.
In a poor attempt at recovering some dignity I cleared my throat, wiped my mouth with the back of my arm and starting humming (I don’t know why it seemed like a good idea at the time). To try to seem like I was not, and never had been, asleep.
A few moments later and freed from my gluey eyelid prison I tentatively opened my eyes – to be met with the knowing, smirking stares of 5 pairs of eyes in the waiting area.
I was fooling no one.
I might just stick with the slug like eyebrows next time!
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